CLASHES? Yea, like yeaa.. but, NO!!

It's been a long while.since i last write on this blog.. wooowww... hmmhhh let's see if i can share a bit of what my heart feels.. hmmm.... well..

sometimes in life, u can make out mess
try thinking of someone who u shud be as close as a best friend wud be, but is as far and as fierce as a worse enemy cud be?! haaahhhh... what a mess!

and yes i've been facing this one for years... God, years... feel like having a breakthrough the walls but u know each time the walls start shaking, another tile appeared..

well, it's not easy.. bible says tampar pipi kiri, kasih pipi kanan.. hmm borooo borooo, that can only happen when my soul is concentrated by Holy Spirit!

well quoting Joyce Meyer saying patience is not the ability to wait, but how u r acting while u're waiting.. yup and for real i just bumped myself into ditch! again.. and i'm sorry...

it's a looong loooong story... and i can't die that much yet to revive this broken broken broken or never was right relationship from the beginning.. but still i'm trying, bcoz love overcomes.. i just got to experience more love to radiate more love huh.. In Jesus Name amen.

and so made decission to have peace in me, make peace with me and bless my so called 'enemy'.. i'm moved with this statement as i declare, "i bless u in Jesus Name not bcoz i'm worthy but bcoz He is.." now that is exactly true.. i'm moving forward to live with it, enjoy it, and bless along the Way.. Amen..

"We bless our enemy not bcoz we're worthy or they are worthy, but Jesus is worthy!" c' 2015

Do Not Take Offense ~ Castle Of Heart

13/12/13
"Don't take offense, do not accept an offence.. Jika orang lain memberikan aku ular masakan aku menerimanya?" Joyce Meyer

tel selama ini sering banget kepancing dengan respon orang atau hal2 ga enak yg orang lakukan terhadap tel.. so when my soul get offended, i got hurt.. it's just like when people offered me snake and i took it in hand and the snake bit me.. ternyata selama ini tel sering begitu.. so i was filled with anger, distress, bitterness, and pain.. and bcoz of that i locked myself far away, which makes me lonely in the end.. but If i am wise enough to not take offense, i can deal with other people the way God did to those who tried to offend Him so much, yet He wasn't offended.. coz He didn't take heart anything they said.. ill people distribute illness, bitter people distribute bitterness, mad people distribute maddness, anxious people distribute anxiousness.. so why sould i take them into heart, knowing all those will offend my soul and bcome diseased? am i not the guardian of my heart? "above all else, guard your heart, for everything u do flows from it, it determines the course of ur life.." psalm 4:23 tel baru sadar bahwa ternyata menjaga gerbang hati itu bukan hanya menjaga apa yg keluar (respon2 tel) dan apa yang di dalam (perbendaharaan hati), tapi juga apa yg tel ijinkan masuk (what i take in heart).. slama ini kalo lg bener, tel berusaha menjaga hati agar tidak terkontaminasi dan mengendalikan diri akan apa yang keluar 'terminate the villains that runs out before they pass the gate of heart', tp ternyata tel gak menjaga serangan2 yg masuk.. padahal apa yg masuk itulah yg jd pemicu dan bahkan menentukan apa yang ada dalam pembendaharaan hati tel.. bahkan terkadang tel malah memberikan ruangan bebas buat serangan yg jelas tel tau bisa menghancurkan hati.. kalo tel memberikan ruang untuk tentara bara bantuan yg masuk (Firman, tontonan2 penuh kasih, dan membawa kehidupan bagi jiwa) ya perbendaharaan itulah yang akan ada di dalam hati, tp kalo tel ijinkan penjahat2 yg masuk (kekecewaan, bitterness, pain, and all other offenses) ya otomatis akan makin chaos dong! porak poranda lah castlenya.. :) Do not take offense, no matter what people do, do not let them offend u.. it is my choice to let go of forgiveness and not take in (eat) what is bad; the bad fruits that comes out from a bad tree (buah2 kejahatan yg datang dari hati yg jahat).. only when i let out my good soldiers (praktek Firman) can i fight the villains outside.. and only when my castle r full of good soldiers (merenungkan/makan Firman) can i fight the villains inside..

Aku Adalah Aku Dan Karyaku Melukiskan Aku

12/12/13
"Karena apa yang dapat mereka ketahui tentang Allah nyata bagi mereka, sebab Allah telah menyatakannya kepada mereka. Sebab apa yang tidak tampak dari pada Nya, yaitu kekuatanNya yang kekal dan keilahianNya, dapat nampak pada pikiran dari karyaNya sejak dunia diciptakan, sehingga mereka tidak dapat berdalih." Rm 1:19-20

To know God simply by looking at the work of His hands.. 

To always being missunderstood by people is a cross i have to always bare.. just like a limbless person being mocked by people around, so does a speechless me being mistaken overtime.. kecacatan jiwa yg tidak terlihat secara lahiriah.. buat aku berkomunikasi mungkin seperti orang cacat yang belajar jalan.. tapi buat orang lain jalan ya mudah-mudah aja.. i know if i keep trying, one day i can walk the way the others do.. leading people for me is like a limbless person racing a marathon.. hopelessly impossible, but what if Nick runs a marathon? wouldn't that bring so much glory to God? but see Lord, my imperfection r not seen outside so how could people even know? 

what r the desire of my heart? for people to know me through the songs i write, the arts i make is a way of communication.. to let people know what i mean, bcoz nothing heartless can come out from an artist.. we draw what we see, write what we feel, describe what we understand by music, movies, pictures, or even just a piece of scratch writing.. sometimes scribbles speak louder than tounge.. 

so exactly like what is written should i work less on people's thought and start working on the stuffs i gotta do.. so that my art represents who i am..

"Aku adalah aku... dan karyaku melukiskan aku."

Mark 7:28

6/12/13 Mark 7:28

kalo tel menganalogikan myself as the children in this case:

1. seringkali anak2 tidak menghargai roti yang diberi (krn tidak tau sebrapa berhargnya roti itu sebenarnya dan "susahnya cari makan" krn makanannya kan uda disediakan), mereka lebih fokus kepada hal lain yang menjadi keinginan mereka, like toys (dlm hal ini keinginan2 hati tel utk punya lifestyle leisure yg santai) daripada roti itu sendiri.. padahal mainan tidak membuat anak2 kenyang..

2. memang kalo anak2 makan biasanya suka berantakan! they just care less or don't know how to eat right just yet.. (ketidakmampuan menguasai diri, orang lain, dan pekerjaan.. i guess this is what happens all these times.. i ate but spilled and the table i sit on and around it all got messy) and when i spill, sometimes daddy got angry, some other time he bcame upset, then i wud keep myself in silence or cry to mom... i know dad loves me but he got much expectations over me and sometimes it boast my heart, but some other time they got me heavy-laid.. it hurts.

sedangkan anjing (org yg ga layak tp memperhtikan dari jauh) mengambil kesempatan utk menikmati bagian yg dijatuhkan anak2.. memang toh kalo ga dimakan anjing juga kebuang rotinya or jadi basi..

yg pasti ga ada anjing yg bisa jadi anak, ga ada anak yg bs jadi anjing.. even when things go wrong, yg ada anjing yang setia dan anak yg kabur dari rumah..

Peeling Off The Sin Inside

21/11/13

God i come to U this morning, with a sinning heart at hand.. hmmhhh feel so bad for the thing i choose to do.. not apparently bcoz what i did but i know exactly why i did it.. and it has made me mocked by the evil desire in me again.. last night i was killing time before sleep and i chat with a stranger.. it turns out to be another flirting chat.. glad it didn't go further coz i know where the river flows... hmmmhhhh i can't deny what was in my heart was so called evil.. and so it's hard to see U this morning... hmmmmmhhhh but God, i'm sorry... a heart that really loves U won't have that kind of evil desire, can't even be corrupted by them.. hmmhhhh... then i know just where my heart is.. 

"remember, u choose to stop too.." i kind of hear something like that speaking in my heart.. i wonder whose voice is that.. was something else trying to intimidate me that God says that, or was it what? but hearing that lightens the burden placed..  whatever, no matter what, it is not an excuse.. i was wrong and is in desperate need of being driven by God away from the dark forest of dead that i know is still hiding somewhere within me.. or shall we burn them down...

hmmhh i so see that how my heart feels can change in an instant.. i'm so aware of how i measure my deeds and count whether i deserve or not.. what a foolish thinking.. can't u understand that it is all grace that u lived?! no matter how much good can never make u better, nor can much bad make u a bit worse!! Dad, it is grace to even call U Dad.. why can't i get it!! i get annoyed at myself.. hmmmhhhh thou i'm not at place to be i know, i'm sorry.. but it's just.. hmmmhhhhh annoying!! i'm sorry God for anger has build in me, i need U, please help me resolve myself... hmmmmmhhhhhhh... make this proud heart weary away, i'm tired of holding it... :,(

Ps 75:10 Amplified bible

All the horns of the ungodly also will i cut off (says the Lord), but the horns of the (uncompromisingly) righteous shall be exalted.

if righteous equals to uncompromising, the i'm unrighteous.. coz i tend to so much compromise.. hmmmhhhh that's the root of undiscipline which cause all chaoses in my life.. hmmhhhh... as crazy as can be..

PS for my soul: UNCOMPROMISINGLY RIGHTEOUS

The God Who Glorify

20/11/13

The Lord delivers and vindicates (membela dan membenarkan) me.. i fear no one.. (Psalm 27:1) to know more of God makes my heart at ease.. as i read this scripture, the word vindicates stuck in my mind, yet i didn't know what it meant.. so i search for what it means and it means to justify.. it heals my heart.. when i remember how koko helped to justify me in front of the 'court', and knowing that that it is how God justify me.. He who is at place to judge is the one who vindicates me, then who shall i fear? waktu koko (who is at place to judge) aja membela tel di meeting, then everybody else wud shut their mouth and that's where the pit fall ends.. nah koko bela tel for the mistakes i did krn pengenalan dia akan tel and for the right things i stand on, but of course dia hajar tel di blakang (tetep ada sesi).. but God who knows me best wud vindicate me bcoz of the cross He had taken in place of me.. tel ngebayangin waktu devil and or anyone else including myself judge and throw me down the pit, He wud say, "don't u remember the cross i took for her?".. hiks... not bcoz of what i've done, not bcoz of what i am.. but bcoz of what He did and who He had chosen me to be..

Go fear, be gone!! in the God who glorify me, i gain..

Jadi teringat, dulu tel berasa ga layak tiap x baca ayat yg God will glorify me, especially when Jesus asked Father to glorify Him for the sake of His glory.. nah, the reason behind why i feel unworthy is not based on a humble heart (walaupun kelihatannya seolah2 tertunduk dan terdiam), but a proud heart bcoz i feel unworthy to accept what is not my deeds (basenya krn keinginan untuk mengandalkan kekuatan diri and achieve the glory by the deeds of mine).. now i realize that no matter what i do can never take me to the place i am now standing on in God's eyes.. it's all bcoz of favor.. it's all bcoz of grace.. receiving grace equals to receiving God, reflected through an open, humbled heart to receive whatever God has provided, knowing it is all bcoz of grace.. i am free in the God who calls me by name.. 

A Robe Of Favor

19/11/13
sedalamnya hatiku Kau pun tau

dan kasihMu tak jauh dalam jiwaku

di dalam kesesakan, di dalam kemenangan

ku tau Engkau slalu bersamaku

Tuhan tel bersyukur banget punya Bapa, to have U as my God, my Father, my Saviour, my Best Friend.. i want U to be my King, the God of my life, of my heart.. for so many things i did, for so many wrongs and sins hidden in me.. o Dad, U knew me well, much deeper than i do.. but U are always there.. U never leave, it heals my heart.. so glad that i don't have to heal Ur heart coz if i do, i wouldn't even know how, wouldn't even have the heart to do so, nor bear the sadness i've caused to U and to myself.. God.. i believe You.. and i'm sorry.. i'm so glad bcoz of Ur favor, Ur grace in me..  Lord... i need U... to be here, just need U, to be with U.. 

Tel baru nyadar bahwa Yusuf tidak melakukan kebaikan bagi saudara2nya semata2 demi ayahnya, tapi demi Tuhan.. he loved his dad, yet he did so much not for people to see, but for God to see coz even when his father died, he still did what's good.. mengasihi Tuhan dengan segenap hati dan melakukan perbuatan baik semata2 bagi kemuliaan Tuhan.. i'll learn n let U be my King.. n thou i may not be a good servant, teach me o King..

waktu tel mulai melihat Tuhan sebagai Raja, i see what i see and i got kinda shocked.. bcoz it's like there's a huge gap between me and Him (new servant and the King), yet we're so close to each other.. how can a new servant in the Kingdom sit on the lap of King's throne? so may be that is why He appointed His generals to mentor me along with Him.. i just realized o my, who am I that You are mindful of me? Daddy's little princess in the palace, but a pion on the chess board.. but God You have seen me from a far before time.. to place me as something else on that white troops of Yours.. to know that Your Kingdom has come to fight.. i humble down before U, casting all my crowns at Your feet.. none of them are genuine i know.. but at least, at least i know You never let me down.. at least i know You never cast me away.. at least i know... U never let me go, never have U given up on me thou serveral times have i thought of giving all up.. but U my God stays forever true.. 

Dad.. cast away all these fears and doubts.. let me not weep in grief, but be joyous in Ur Kingdom.. as i imagined myself, it is as if i'm wearing a weary white robe of cloth, dirty and clumsy.. but God U reminded me that U have given me a robe of honor in place of unrighteousness.. a robe of honor bcoz of favor, bcoz of Grace.. that i don't have to wear the one i'm wearing now, but be joyful as i dance in ur favor... bcoz of Ur cross, bcoz of Ur grace i have lived in Ur favor...